My "Wilderness" Year

Thursday, July 15, 2010. The day I left Young Disciple. That was one crazy day. Actually, the two weeks or so preceding were pretty crazy, too. Finding out I had to leave, scrambling to get a plane ticket, trying to pack in the midst of camp frenzy. For some reason things almost always happen to me at the last minute.

I can't believe it's been a whole year. It feels like just the other day I tramped up the hill to supper with Emily and Josh. And yet when I look at how I've grown and changed in this one year, it seems like a lifetime ago.

How do you fit a year in one blog post? I could probably write a book on all I've learned this year.  In fact, I just about did. According to my estimates, I journaled over 300 pages this year. That sounds like a lot, but the time, paper, and ink definitely weren't wasted. I've processed a lot of thoughts and emotions through those thousands of words, and now I've got an invaluable record of how God has led me this year.

Unless you read my journals, it would be difficult for you to know just how much this year has meant to me. And I don't know how else to share it with you than to give you a little peek inside them. Some things I grappled with go a little too deep to share, so I'm only going to pick out bits that show what God has taught me, and how He's lead me.

July 15, 2010

I don't know where to start. Here I sit, in Spokane International Airport, waiting to get on a flight to Seattle, where I'll catch a flight to Tokyo and then on to Seoul. These past weeks have been absolutely crazy…. I really don't want to leave. But the more time goes by, the more I'm realizing that God does have a plan in all this.

I didn't write much in Korea. Life hurt too much to write. But then I came here to this quiet South African farm, and God began working ever so gently.

September 30, 2010

     "He maketh my feet like hinds' feet, and setteth me upon my high places" (Psalm 18:33). I love that verse about the hinds' feet and the high places. Maybe because I've read the book (by Hannah Hurnard). But to me it speaks of freedom--freedom to climb the rocky heights of trial, freedom to run to God, and wherever He sends me, freedom to have joy whatever my circumstances…. True freedom is definitely not doing whatever you feel like doing. It's choosing Christ, His will, contentment, and joy even when circumstances are discouraging and you don't feel like doing anything.

October 15, 2010

     "He restoreth my soul: He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake" (Psalm 23:3). He has restored my soul. My Shepherd has taken all the shattered pieces of my heart and He is making me whole and beautiful on the inside again. He is good!... As long as I'm living in constant, absolute surrender to Him, He will keep it restored. When I dwell in that secret place, nothing can shake my confidence, for Christ is my strength.

October 28, 2010

     Why is it that as soon as I earnestly begin to seek after Jesus, I get overwhelmed by life and threaten to fall apart? But I guess I know the answer to that. I have an adversary who is seeking to devour me and can't stand to see me reaching for the only One who can get me out of this pit of misery and selfishness.

December 17, 2010

     "O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted, behold, I will lay thy stones with fair colors, and lay thy foundations with sapphires" (Isaiah 54:11).

     "Grace is free; but only a high price buys precious stones. Many a time we shall want to cry out, 'This is too much!' Yet the lessons we learn as we pass with Him 'through fire and water'--these are the really worth-while things. In the light of God some things perish of themselves; there is no need to wait for the fire. It is in what has stood God's test of time that true worth lies." --Watchman Nee

December 30, 2010

     Jesus Christ should be my highest source of joy. And even when the rest of me feels like it's shriveling up and dying, I can have peace and joy in that inner sanctuary deep inside my heart. With Jesus there is no such thing as hopelessness. There is always peace inside the pain, healing in the heartache, joy in the sorrow.

January 22, 2011

     "For ye have need of patience" (Hebrews 10:36)…. I can see Jesus smiling at my restless, intense ways and saying in a gentle voice, "Melissa, you have need of patience." I guess I need to go back and re-learn the lesson I learned some months ago--finding joy and satisfaction in today. Sure, I can look forward to things, but "looking forward" becomes "impatience" when it spoils my contentment with the blessings God has given me now.

March 2, 2011

     "God's purposes know no haste and no delay" (Desire of Ages page 32).

March 12, 2011

     What is happiness? As I lie here on my stomach, swinging my feet in the air, a lot of thoughts are parading through my brain. Technically I know it's a feeling, a state of mind, a deep inner peace in the soul. But how do I have it, and does it depend on my circumstances, or what I do? I'm too tired to write a lengthy dissertation, but I've learned two important things about how to have happiness, and I want to remember them.

     1)A life of victory over sin, with a conscience void of offence toward God and man is totally necessary to real happiness.

     2) The sweetest pleasures of life that bring happiness are the simple ones.

April 9, 2011

     I just had a thought…. Here I sit, so frustrated with all the delays that keep happening. I just want to GO somewhere and DO something! I'm so so tired of feeling useless….

  But that's not the thought. The thought is this: My delay and frustration should not be my focus. The Lord knows what He's doing! My responsibility is to wait in surrender and patience, and faithfully perform the duties I have today.

May 5, 2011

     (This entry was long, so I'll summarize the story by saying that I needed a pair of shoes, and spent an exhausting day in town finding nothing. Right at the end I prayed about it, and I found just what I need at the next store.) As I walked out of that mall with the shoes it hit me: If God cares about my SHOES, and listens to a simple prayer like that, how much MORE does He care about my future, and listen to my prayers for guidance? Oh how small my faith is!

May 17, 2011

     My heart is so full! Obedience to the Holy Spirit's promptings has not stolen away pleasure, nor cast a shadow of dreariness over my cherished hopes; rather the giving over of my dreams into His keeping has obliterated anxiety and opened the door to a relationship (with Jesus) and an adventure that is FAR beyond my deepest heart's desires.

June 8, 2011

     Everything comes from my Father's hand. From Jesus' hand--the hand that was nailed to the cross for me; the hand I trust above any other. This should fill my soul with gratitude for every benefit, every blessing, whether big or small. My Father weighs each trial, and does not suffer anything to befall me that I cannot bear, and that will not work for my good. Oh what strength and courage this should give me! His grace is sufficient for every trial, His power adequate to meet every temptation. Praise His name!

June 10, 2011

     I surrender over and over and over, only to feel like I never surrendered to begin with. Does that mean I'm not really trusting Him? Or is this a battle I must fight, even though I can't see the end, believing that peace and resolution will eventually come? Maybe I haven't yet learnt the true meaning of surrender.

June 25, 2011

     That feeling you get, when something you've dreamed about for so long starts to move from that misty realm into reality--I'm having it now. I've been having it for three days. If I were to summarize this past week in three words, it would be these: God is GOOD! (For you curious ones, one of the main things that prompted that entry was some progress on my visa.)

July 6, 2011

     "His word" is "the ever-present evidence of His divinity" (Desire of Ages, page 198). How true that is! His word healed my heart when nothing else could. His word gave me peace inside dark struggles. His word gave me lasting joy after everything else left me empty and despairing. His word gives me purpose for today and hope for tomorrow. His word gave me victory over impossible temptation. His word is changing me day by day to be more like Jesus.

     That, to me, is the best evidence of Christ's existence, divinity, and saving power. Because it has all proved true in me!

Congratulations for reading through all of that! It ended up being more than I expected it to be. If I were to summarize this year in three words, I would say this: GOD IS GOOD! What started out as a horrible year, has turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.

"I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak to her heart" (Hosea 2:14, margin).

That's what God did for me this year. There are no words to thank Him for all He has done. May the years to come find me (and you!) trusting more and more in His mercy, grace, and goodness.